User blog comment:Midnight Bandit/Season 1 Submissions!/@comment-32574574-20171224015051

Name (Age): ​Craig Kelly (30)

Current Residence: ​Ottumwa, IA

Occupations: ​Grocery Store Clerk

Hobbies: ​Going to Bars, Working Out (surprisingly), and Shaving my Head

Pet Peeves: ​I really hate decaf coffee, it's just that's put in a blender and served to obnoxious spoiled white girls. I also have zero tolerance for anyone who will incorrectly say "that's what she said". I had a classmate in college say that to a professor whenever he was talking about dogs, and two bad things happened: said classmate got his ass kicked, and I got arrested.

3 Words to Describe You: ​Bald, White, and Gayer than a Box of Crayons

Reason for Being on SURVIVOR: ​I want the money to pay off all the taxes that are going to come my way thanks to the repeal of Net Neutrality, Going to Bars 6 nights a week, and mainly just due to the GOP in general.

Confessional: ​"LESBIANS!!!! Okay, now that I have your attention I would like to tell you something. My name is Craig, I'm 30 years old, and my head is brighter than my future. I spend 8 hours a day helping idiots pack food into bags, dealing with obnoxious failed abortions crying about not getting a new Star Wars ​toy, and middle-aged women talking to me about their personal life because you know, 'the gay guy will understand.' Any of my friends can tell you that I have a very short-temper and I simply just state what's on my mind without caring what you think, and my heart is so shriveled and black that you could put it up to your ear, and it would whisper to you, 'What you talking about Willis?'. Now that I had the balls to audition, I look forward to doing my best at tolerating every single mistake that walks the sands of this island."

Strategy/Gameplay: ​Craig has as much of a chance of winning as I do getting a girlfriend. He does not have any filter and will not shy away from telling you how it is. There is no doubt in my mind that Craig will be an entertaining, but evil player. If he makes it far, he hopes to play a strategically villainous game, quite similar to that of Tony Vlachos, but more brutal. He does not care about hurting people's feelings for money, as he ended up telling a five-year old kid that Santa Claus was not real, because the kid was being "annoying and douchey" when his mom was checking out of the store.

Predicted Placement: ​Craig will probably be one of the first one's out because not only will he be a weak link in challenges, and lazy in camp, but he ADMITS to being lazy and weak. He does state that he will probably like "a few" people in the game, but probably only two or three. I do not see Craig making it past Day 9.

Other Important Information: ​Craig is openly gay, and he does not have a boyfriend. He states that "I drink to forget, but I always remember", and he hates hair of any sort. His preference would be bald men with no facial hair, and says that growing hair will be the third hardest thing to cope with on the island, aside from not seeing his pug and "best friend", Carl, and of course, dealing with the fellow contestants. Craig was born on April 22, 1987.