User blog:UnderAPineapple/I Survived and You Can Too: My Story

Before I get into the story, I am not wanting any “sympathy” or shit. I’m making this blog to help others who are suffering from depression and telling them my story of survival. I will be talking about my experience with depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts. I’ve been hesitant to reveal my story of attempting suicide and how I was able to overcome it.

As many of you know, I have Asperger’s Syndrome, a form of Autism that affects social behavior. When I was a child in elementary school, I never was the person who fit in with my peers. I was obsessed with the Presidents of the United States and was always wanting to play on the Wii that I received for my birthday. When I bought Mario Kart 64 in 2008, my parents could not get me to stop playing it. This, along with my fascination for topics that were not part of the common 8-year old mind (e.g. Television production, cooking, and politics), caused me to become a frequent target for students to pick on at my school. When I was in second grade, I ended up pulling one of my classmates hair in front of the teacher because she was taunting me. As punishment, my teacher put the hair I pulled out into a Ziplock bag, and forced me to hold it for the rest of the day. Eventually in fourth grade, I moved schools since my father got a job working for a college as a History professor.

The main event that triggered me to attempt to end my life occurred on November 26, 2015 when we were having Thanksgiving Dinner. After having a dinner that required two dining tables, my father went into the bathroom to, in his words, “get down to business”. I walked into the master bedroom because I needed to clip my nails, and I saw him having what appeared to be a seizure. I began freaking out and I tried to get him to wake up by slapping his face multiple times, but it obviously didn’t work. For the next couple minutes, I stood there doing nothing because of my inexperience with CPR whilst my dad laid on the floor helpless and in need of assistance. I eventually called my mother who rushed to give him CPR and luckily, he was conscious when the ambulance went to take him to the hospital. If it wasn’t for my mother, my father would not have been alive today. Due to the medical incident, it affected my father’s mobility, and eventually he had to be medically removed from the college he worked at because he required a lot of moving around to get from place to place. He was given worker’s compensation for 2016, but following 2017, decided to work as a “Stay-at-Home Dad”. Thankfully, my mother makes enough money as both a librarian and a liberal newspaper columnist.

On March 16, 2016, I decided that I wanted to end my life. Having autism and the bullying I suffered in elementary school, along with my guilt that I had when my dad nearly died due to my irresponsibility was too much for me to bare. I had a crush on a girl named Maura, whom I met in middle school, and eventually I found out that she didn’t have the same interest in me a few years later. I believed at the time that it was due to me having Asperger’s, however, Maura did not realize I had Asperger’s until after news broke in my school that I attempted to hang myself. I was always certain that I had a label of “Autistic Kid” on my forehead when I walked into the school buildings because I had Special Education classes and would (before 2017), consistently do poorly in class. I felt everyone knew about me being autistic and that I was simply a doormat that people could walk all over and be easily manipulated into doing things against my own will. After feeling like I was used and manipulated all my life, I believed it was all too much for me to handle, and I decided that I wanted to commit suicide.

I was also angry at the world I was living in. I was aware of groups such as NAMBLA (North American Man/Boy Love Association) who were actively supporting pedophilia and other heinous disgusting acts. A lot of what I heard about made me sick to my stomach and especially when I saw that there were some people who were defending this group along with the idea of pedophilia and child molestation itself. Also, I was disusted with one case surrounding two Texas teenage girls who were raped and murdered viciously by a group of gang members in 1993. The girls were walking home from a party when the gang abducted them and raped them orally, anally, and vaginally for over an hour whilst they were crying and pleading for their lives. They were then strangled by all members of the gang, who showed no remorse when caught. Whilst the majority of the gang is now executed, I found it sickening to believe that there were people like that who were willing to take away a child’s innocence for their own gratification, and I did not want any part in being in a world full of disgusting human beings.

The one thing that saved me from committing suicide, was that the belt I was using to try and hang myself, was not tight enough. After kicking the stool I was using, I was dangling only three feet from the air for the next five minutes until I fell off and hit my head onto the bedroom wall. My father noticed and went to the bedroom a couple minutes later to check on me, and I was bleeding. I decided to emotionally tell him I was attempting to hang myself, and he decided to take me into a mental hospital. I spent the next couple hours crying and begging my family to let me go back home. Afterwards, I fell asleep and was given some questions by two workers at the hospital. Given a mental evaluation, I was deemed a moderate-to-low risk of self-harm or harming others, and I was released the next day. Rumors began spreading as to me attempting suicide at my school, but eventually they died out by April thankfully.

I am extremely grateful for being able to overcome my suicidal thoughts, as I am now 20 months self-harm free and counting. I have wonderful friends who are willing to help me out, I have loving family members, and I am planning on going into college when I turn 19. I plan to wait a year to get my priorities straight and find a career plan and to also relax and find my footing in life. I wanted to share my story to let you guys know that if you’re suffering from suicidal thoughts, it does get better. I remember being like some of you now and believing there was no way out, but I’ve overcome it and I am a better person. If you’re having problems, ask for help. It’s not a sign of weakness if you do, it’s a sign of strength. Thanks for reading this blog, and I’m happy that you stayed to view it.