Board Thread:Season Rankings/@comment-9949103-20150904021638/@comment-26485526-20161023202342

Here are my rankings of the cast of Survivor: Sulawesi! As always, it's based on both their personality and their strategic/social game-play.

18: Talon Kearney (15th) – I think it’s pretty obvious why Talon is dead last. Although I can sympathize with him being sent to the Misfits tribe solely because of his appearance, he did nothing to better his position. The whole time he was on Hitam, he sat and whined like a little baby. Then, when he was put on a new tribe, he again did nothing to better his position. Going into his first tribal council on the new tribe, although Talon didn’t do anything, he was in absolutely no danger. While this seems okay at first, he all of a sudden quit because nobody was talking to him! I’ll say that again, THE STUPID BOY QUIT! I get that nobody was talking to him and he feared that he was in danger. But he didn’t even make any sort of effort to initiate conversations himself! What he even could have done after announcing at tribal that nobody was talking to him was announce that he’s a free agent and hope to survive! When he did survive (because he would have), he could have used that to get himself into a great alliance because it would have gotten people talking and attracted people to him that wanted numbers on their side! Talon had the potential to go so bloody far! But he just had to quit and throw that all away! After that, the stupid boy lost any hope of me feeling bad for him whatsoever.

17: Miles Ackerman (17th) – Miles was your stereotypical idiot jock, plain and simple. The only person he actually paid any attention to in his first few days was Natasha. Although I get that flirting was his strategy, in the process he completely ignored everybody else, most notably Dakota, who ended up advocating for his elimination so she could keep Natasha loyal to herself. So of course, in perfect fashion, Miles ended up getting the boot because he couldn’t keep his dick in his pants. Even better, Miles thought he was controlling the vote and manipulating everyone only for his ass to get blindsided! That’s not even the best part though! No, the best part was because just for good measure, his sweet little Natasha wrote his name down too and ensured that her pretty little idiot got the boot. See ya’ never, stupid!

16: Amber Valentine (10th) – UGH! Where do I even begin with Ambitch? It pisses me off that Jomar kept this Emmy Award winner over Kathy because reading her was just insufferable! If you people remember Krystle’s game from Montserrat, Amber’s was comparable to that! The worst part is though, Amber can’t even use O.C.D. as an explanation for her behaviour like Krystle could! That makes Amber’s game WORSE than Krystle’s!! Not only did Amber think she needed to control everything, she thought she actually was! I give major credit to Dale for manipulating Amber perfectly (and also for being able to put up with her). She also thought she was the smartest person on the face of the Earth when she had all the brain power of a squished mosquito, and a social game to match. Like Krystle, Amber also felt the need to yell and scream at anyone and everyone whenever she didn’t get her way. I was so unbelievably happy when Amber finally got booted because if I had to suffer through just one more episode with her, I probably would have ended up shoving forks in my eyes because that would have been less painful to endure.

15: Braiden Phipps (14th) – The only reason this moron is so high up on the list is because his idiocy actually entertained me. I mean, unlike Amber, reading Braiden didn’t make me want to go stick my head in a blender. In all seriousness, Braiden actually started off okay. By “started off okay” I simply mean that his profile looked promising. The second he stepped foot onto the beauty tribe’s camp, he threw that all away by barking orders left, right, and centre. Seriously, what kind of idiot thinks it’s a good idea to play “drill sergeant” when you’re stuck on a tribe with Dakota, Miles and NATASHA of all people?! Braiden apparently, so I guess that makes him a special kind of idiot. It gets better too. After the second tribe switch, Liberty had essentially decided to take all her clothes off and dance around camp while holding up a neon sign that read “I’M UNTRUSTWORTHY! VOTE ME OUT!” I mean, it was pretty clear that she had been playing both sides and had no intentions of actually maintaining any alliance with Braiden. But what does this special kind of idiot do? If you guessed A) “Save himself and vote Liberty out because he has common sense”, you’d be damn wrong! He chose option B) “Play the idol on Liberty and get himself blindsided like a true moron.” Enough said.

14: Kathy Kauker (18th) – To be brutally honest, the only reason Kathy isn’t higher is because she was the first boot. She was an absolutely amazing character! I loved her spirit. I loved her energy. She had a great social game. She literally checked all the boxes that she needed to in order to do well… except one. That one box that she forgot to check was actually a relatively simple one. DON’T COST YOUR DAMN TRIBE THE FIRST CHALLENGE!! Even despite that though, she was able to stay relatively calm and get herself a good ally in Alex. If it wasn’t for Jomar deciding to keep Amber around for her strength, Kathy had the potential to go really deep in the game. It really is too bad we didn’t get to see what could have been, especially because her staying would’ve meant that I didn’t have to put up with Amber. At least there was one good thing about Kathy’s early boot. It was able to prepare me for all of the torture that Tozza seemed to enjoy inflicting on me throughout the season. So that was nice.

13: Cooper James (16th) – Cooper was doomed from the start. I just say that given the fact that he was so weak in challenges and so obviously enthusiastic about the game. That, coupled with the fact that after the Misfits and Beauty tribes dissolved Cooper got swapped into the minority, spelled absolute disaster for him. Truthfully, I don’t have a joke for this guy. I think it was actually really sad seeing him fight as hard as he could to stay even though there was no hope of him ever accomplishing his goal. Cooper’s only true allies were made clear and their names were Andrew and Brian. However, Andrew decided to be a genius and continue his childish feud with Nikki. This allowed Nikki to play the “free agent” card and seal Cooper’s fate due to his weakness in challenges. Nighty night, sweet prince!

12: Andrew Wilson (12th) – Andrew is a 57 year old Apple Store Manager from New York City. Why is this relevant? Well, when you consider the fact he was able to get himself to the merge, it sounds pretty impressive. However, when you also consider the fact that he spent the entire 20 days he was in the game fighting with a 19 year-old student, that makes Andrew sound pretty damn pathetic! Was Nikki acting like an immature child most of the time? Maybe she was. But that doesn’t give Andrew an excuse to stoop down to her level. One would think that given Andrew’s age and occupation he’d have a lot more patience and self-control than what he showed. That makes me scared of how he operates his store. Does he yell and scream at complaining customers too? If that’s the case, what the hell was his boss smoking to make them think that Andrew was deserving of a promotion to Store Manager?! In any event, the whole reason Andrew decided to act as though he was 7 instead of 57 was because he was in such desperate need to control everything. When Nikki challenged his authority, he couldn’t handle it and his brain short-circuited as though he was an iPhone that got dropped in the toilet right before someone decided to piss. As a result, rather than deciding to be a rational person and work to keep Nikki on his side and get a majority after the Misfits and Beauty tribes dissolved, he decided to treat Nikki as though he was the pretty girl at the party and Nikki was the nerd who happened to be wearing the exact same dress. After he alienated Nikki and targeted her, Nikki was able to play the “free agent” card and seal Cooper’s fate, putting Andrew in the minority. He was then spared only because he avoided tribal council until another tribe swap. Then when he made the merge, he once again chose to sing and dance to his favourite song “Let’s Kill Nikki”, and it led to his elimination. Even better, the idiot didn’t even get the pleasure of sitting on the jury! That was the wonderful moment he learned that Karma’s a bitch.

11: Jenifer McManus (8th) – Jenifer reminds me of owls. Why does she remind me of owls, you ask? Well, young child, it’s because owls are known for always saying “WHO?” Seriously, Jenifer did absolutely nothing memorable out there. She may have played a decent under the radar game and ended up aligned with Queens Regan and Dakota, but she really didn’t have much spark in her personality at all in addition to never making much of a splash strategically. Honestly, I bet you that it won’t take long before the collective response to Jenifer’s name is the same as the sound of an owl. “WHO?” “WHO?” WHO?” WHO?”

10: Liberty Matthews (13th) – Despite what I said in Braiden’s entry, I do believe Liberty was robbed to an extent. Since nobody else (except maybe Kathy) was #robbed this season, I guess that means that Liberty holds the title of “Robbed Goddess of Sulawesi”. She was playing a great strategic game right up until the tribes switched the second time and I really loved her personality! She had such a great enthusiasm for the game, but unlike Cooper, her enthusiasm came out in her confessionals more than anything else. I really would have loved to see what would have happened if Liberty wasn’t “screwed by the swap”. Tozza, if you ever do a second chances season, Liberty needs to be in that cast! The only reason Liberty isn’t higher is because she really should have gone home in Braiden’s place. While normally that gets you points with me, as I said in Braiden’s entry, in the lead up to that tribal council she basically took all her clothes off and started dancing around camp with a neon sign that read “I’M UNTRUSTWORTHY! VOTE ME OUT!” Sure, on one hand it’s amazing that she was able to get Braiden to play his idol on her, but it was Braiden. If she were able to convince someone that actually has common sense to play their idol on her in that situation, that would be a different story, but it’s not.

9: Alex Liu (11th) – Don’t let Alex’s middle of the road entry fool you, I actually really liked her throughout the season. The reason Alex is down here though is strictly game-play. She was a great character and had the potential to go deep in the game, but she was the only one to vote alongside Kathy at the very first vote. Although she did end up in the majority after the tribes switched both times, she ended up as the swing vote at the second tribal after the merge. Alex was in the perfect position to go deep in the game and possibly win, but she made it way too obvious that she was playing both sides and couldn’t be trusted, so the votes got turned against her. There’s really nothing else I can add to that.

8: Brian Spurlock (Runner-Up) – Here he is folks, Mr. Arrogant Asshole. Now, Brian is only this high on the list because I have to give credit where credit is due. Brian played a phenomenal strategic game and controlled the votes for most of it. That’s especially impressive given the fact that he was on the Misfits tribe at the beginning. Now, that is where my praise for this bastard comes to an end. The longer the game went on, the more and more smug and arrogant he became. It started off as just a minor “Oh, I kind of wish he would be more humble”, and finished off as “Somebody please slap this arrogant asshole!” At the end of the day, he showed that he really had no respect for anyone but himself, and his social game was pure garbage. When you look at his profile too, his arrogance becomes even more disgusting because he says in his pet peeves: “I have one rule when it comes to having a conversation, don't cut me off. The people that feel that their input is more important than everyone else's really piss me off.” Now, Brian was doing EXACTLY that more and more as the game went on! There were more examples as well such as earing the immunity necklace around camp the whole day after he won it to rub it in everyone’s faces, despite being told they didn’t like it. Finally, there was when this entitled asshole started yelling at Ryan at the final five tribal because he voted for him. I know Ryan didn’t hold it against him, at Final Tribal Council, but it still counts because of how disgusting it was, especially since most people wouldn’t have been as forgiving as Ryan. I mean, the asshole was screaming and crying over getting a vote, despite not actually even going home! He also couldn’t even be sure that it was Ryan at that point since Ryan denied the accusation, yet the asshole screamed at him anyway! Then, this delusional asshole actually had the nerve to stand up at the Final Tribal Council and say he had a good social game! I am super glad that there were some people that put him in his place, most notably Regan. I’m just glad that Brian’s arrogant ways are what ultimately cost him the game. Brian now learned a very tough lesson about how you can’t win Survivor by being an asshole, and that makes me very happy.

7: Jomar Santos (6th) – Like Jenifer (Who), Jomar didn’t make much of a splash this season despite going very far. I mean, he had some great moments such as in episode 1 when he joked that Amber’s scream from the woods was an “angry poop”. But for the most part, Jomar was pretty invisible and his claim to fame was being Dale’s tail throughout the season. Although he had a decent strategy by doing that, he was just another guy that went on and on about loyalty and refused to make moves. Sure, he did end up turning on Brian eventually. But that was only after a lot of convincing on Dale’s part as Jomar made it clear that he would never have made the move on his own. So yeah, although he lasted a long time and had a respectable strategy, his somewhat forgettable personality and mostly invisible edit land him at number seven.

6: Nikki Patterson (9th) – Nikki, Nikki, Nikki… poor child. Although I found her sass unbelievably amazing, her social game was atrocious. Much like I dropped Jenifer (Who?) down the list because I never cared for her as a character, the only reason Nikki is this high up on the list is because she’s an amazing character! Nikki had the best confessionals this season by far and she always kept the volume at camp turned way up! I can’t lie, although there were other entertaining characters this season (this was a phenomenal cast overall), Nikki is the one that got me hooked on it and kept me engaged. I also really enjoyed how this 19 year-old student was able to get a 57 year-old store manager so riled up that he lost control of his game. Each episode, Nikki knew exactly which buttons to push on Andrew to send him spinning and it was just plain hilarious after a while. On top of that, Nikki had a decent strategic game as well since she was able to play the “free agent” card perfectly all the way up until her boot episode. As I said though, despite the entertainment she provided and her good strategic game, Nikki’s social game was brutal. The girl had no concept of self-control and it bit her in the ass horribly as she was sent home by a unanimous vote. So as much as I would have liked to put the Queen of Sass up higher, her abysmal social game prevents me from doing that.

5: Natasha Green (Second Runner-Up) – I feel like in many ways, Natasha was Tozza’s attempted revenge for Hershey, especially based on the way she played the game. If that’s the case though, Tozza, IT DIDN’T WORK! Natasha was the second most purely entertaining character of the season (behind only Nikki). Most of the time, I found myself secretly rooting for this absolute bitch. Although, much like Hershey, she did play with her emotions, which was most evident at Jenifer’s (Who’s?) blindside, she had a great strategic game too. At most tribal councils, her vote was one of the pivotal ones in terms of deciding who went home. She was even shown to be skilled at finding idols. Better yet, amidst all of the craziness surrounding Alex’s blindside, Natasha showed that she had great awareness when she saved herself with an idol. So as childish and emotional as she is, Natasha played a great strategic game. I also appreciate the fact that Natasha tried to own up to her game at the final tribal council and show how well she played strategically. However, this brings me to my next point and why she’s only in 5th place on this list. Natasha allowed her emotions to run wild, and as such, played a horrible social game. This is also in addition to the fact that she cried whenever it rained. Let’s face it, this girl was not prepared to deal with the elements. But she certainly Natasha made up for it with the entertainment value. But given her terrible social game though, I can’t put her any higher.

4: Dakota Marlow (7th) – This is where it gets really hard. If you’re not paying close attention, you see Dakota as someone that simply rides Natasha’s coat-tails the whole season and doesn’t make much of an impact on her own. However, looking back at Dakota’s game, you see a girl that was playing a very subtle game, but also a very strong strategic game. It all started at that first Beauty tribal council where Dakota realized that Miles’s boner for Natasha could drive a wedge between her and her closest ally. Sure it was Ryan that suggested and launched the move, but once Dakota got wind of the fact people were willing to get rid of Miles, she ran with it and actually somehow managed to convince Natasha to make a somewhat dumb move and turn on a guaranteed ally in Miles. After that, although Dakota faded into the background, she helped push Natasha into the spotlight while making friends and securing herself a place in the majority. So what was Dakota’s problem? What was the reason she suddenly ended up on the bottom? She pushed Natasha into the spotlight while making friends. Natasha began to act like everyone’s favourite Hershey bar from Tasmania and got jealous of Dakota’s friendships with Jenifer (Who?) and Regan. That’s the whole reason Jenny got blindsided. I really enjoyed seeing Dakota fight to stay in the game and almost succeed (if it wasn’t for a certain arrogant asshole playing an idol, she would have succeeded). The best part about her boot episode though was watching Dakota develop into a true Queen as she refused to take any of Natasha’s bullshit. It crushed me to see Dakota go as she was developing into such a great character, but it happened. Dakota got booted because she was too comfortable and allowed Natasha to go into a tailspin as a result of jealousy. Due to this strategic and social blunder on her part, and her 7th place finish compared to the people remaining, I can’t put Dakota any higher as much as I would probably like to.

3: Ryan Holcomb (5th) – Ryan was extremely likable and very bright. I really was rooting for him all the way up to his elimination. I know this is a weird comparison, but Ryan was essentially the white, straight, male version of Megan Rios from Tasmania. Both were clearly very smart and had great strategic and social games, both played arguably the best pre-merge game of their respective season, both found a more visible ally post merge to take all the heat for them (Ryan had Mr. Arrogant Asshole and Megan had Cameron), and both turned on that same ally in their boot episode. The other similarity between Ryan and Megan though was that they were both very paranoid and had a difficult time actually making decisions, even though they made the right ones. Unlike Megan though, this bit Ryan in the ass often as, if I remember correctly, every time he was a potential swing vote, he received votes against him. Unfortunately for Ryan, that last incident of him being unable to correctly play the swing vote resulted in his elimination. However, that’s the only thing that’s keeping Ryan out of the top two in these rankings. As I said, he was so likable and I was really rooting for him to make the final tribal council. Had Ryan found a way to make it to the end and win, he would have been a fantastic winner. Unfortunately though, since his Achilles’ heel, the all-important swing vote position, cost him the game, I’m now stuck here now hoping that Tozza brings Ryan back for a future season. I do feel like if Ryan got another chance, he’s the type that could learn from his mistakes and dominate the game. Please bring Ryan back, Tozza! Pretty please with a cherry on top!

2: Dale Cowan (Sole Survivor) – Dale played an amazing game from the get-go. He was the one pulling all of the strings on the brawn tribe and he knew how to manipulate people like Amber perfectly. Even though Amber didn’t want to admit to being manipulated by Dale, it happened. After Amber was blindsided though, Dale started floundering a little bit in the game. He latched onto Brian and knew how to keep himself off the chopping block; but, until he betrayed Brian and hooked up with Regan, it didn’t seem like he was really in control of his game. However, Dale made up for all of that with his amazing social game. He’s a super funny and likable guy and he was able to use that to his advantage to keep himself off the chopping block. I also have to give dale major props for the fact that he was willing to customize a shirt to say “Big D” and make himself appear stupid in order for people to see him as non-threatening. That is something that takes a lot of balls and self-confidence. I know that I personally never could have done that, so I personally find that very admirable of Dale, especially considering the fact that he made it work! Dale’s Final Tribal Council performance was great as well given that he owned up to his game. I thought he probably should have had Amber’s vote locked, but I guess it’s not his fault she’s a bitch. So despite Dale’s great game, the few shortcomings he did have, and the awesomeness of my number 1 pick are the only things keeping him out of the top spot.

1: Regan Blakely (4th) – Was there any real question as to who the top spot in my ranking of the Sulawesi cast would go to? Regan was an amazing character with an amazing story and she played an amazing game. After she got stuck on the Misfits tribe, Regan fought, and fought, and fought some more until she got to the final episode. Her physical, social, and strategic games were all fantastic from the start. Especially after the merge, Regan was always the obvious target for the vote because even blind people could see that she was the biggest threat in the game. Yet all the way until the final four, always managed to figure out some way to get the target off of her back. Whether it was winning challenges, convincing people to target others, or even just simply knowing when to keep her mouth shut, Regan always seemed to know exactly what she had to do to stay in the game. Even despite her underdog story, she actually had Brian convinced at one point that he should take her to the final tribal council, where she absolutely would have swept the jury votes! Brian was so damn lucky that Natasha of all people was able to talk him out of keeping Regan over Dale! More than that though, despite her stellar game-play throughout the season, the two things that never changed with Regan were that she was incredibly likable and incredibly humble. Not only that, but with the way she fought throughout the season, she became so relatable and it really made me root for her the entire season. Regan also had the greatest jury speech of the season when she called Brian out for being the arrogant asshole he is! If Regan would have won, she would have been one of the greatest winners ever. So for her likability, the way she fought, and her fantastic physical, social, and strategic games, absolutely nobody deserves the number 1 spot more than Regan.